Here is the sixth episode of 'Outside the Target', titled...'Ping Pong'...
???: Hello. Yes, it's me. *pause* Yes, I understand. *pause*
No, of course not. Listen to me. This is important. *pause* No, it can't wait.
This isn't your moment to change my mind.
???: No, listen to me carefully. I've arrived at my destination. These people will help me with the dilemma, and you will stay far from here. *pause*
Okay, you do that. I will not change my mind. *pause* I know it's early, fool. I couldn't wait until a decent time or these people would have run off somewhere.
Diane: Hello? *pause* Oh good, you're still here. Make sure you've cancelled my brunch meeting with London Howard. *she pauses* Oh, she won't care. She cancelled twice beforehand, it's my turn to cancel. *she pauses* Please, she will not mind. Maybe schedule it for next week or something.
Diane: Thank you. *she pauses* Okay, now I suspect you will be spending the rest of today off, and while I won't need your services, I expect that you fetch my dry cleaning this afternoon and bathe Professor Plum. *she pauses* My kitten! Jesus, you tend to forget his name far too often.
Diane: Thank you, thank you. I best be letting you go then. Your spa day sounds very enjoyable. I am envious, my dear. *she pauses* Pamper, pamper, pamper! Oh, okay now. *she pauses* Goodbye, Lisa. Please do not forget to bathe Professor Plum. *she pauses* Bye-bye!
*she hangs up the phone*
Diane: Diane White is back.
----
Greta: Tim...
*silence*
Bradley: He's going to be fine, Greta. Let him rest and once he wakes up, you'll talk to him. He'll be okay.
Greta: I suppose you're right, Bradley.
Wow, that was weird. Didn't think I'd be saying that to a former contestant.
Bradley: *stepping down the stairs* If you need me at any time, I'll be around. Somewhere.
Greta: Maybe you should hit the gym. I don't know why, but you gained weight with your wife.
Bradley: *stopping* Can't hit the gym today.
Greta: Why not?
Bradley: Irma's funeral.
Greta: Oh...wait, what? When the hell did that robot keel over?
Bradley: *exiting* Yesterday!
Greta: I just hope you don't keel over, Tim.
I...I'd hate to lose you. *she pauses, sighing* I'm so sorry for abandoning you, but I know now that I did nothing wrong. It...it wasn't my intention to sell the show to convicted criminals. I can apologise for a mistake, but I can't be blamed for a death.
----
'Rest in Peace, Irma Roboot'
Ted: We are...we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Irma Roboot, our once-close friend and ally. A woman far ahead of her time, she was a...legit robot, as the young children say. *he pauses* Irma was an integral part of our community, even though recently she had been cooped up in a cage in the kitchen.
Devra: Rest in peace, evil witch.
Ted: Devra!
Devra: What? She tried to murder us! She poisoned Jocelyn, which I suppose might have been her best idea yet, but even then, that's poison! Like, fall asleep for one day poison! She is evil.
Marsha: Moi eenhoyed spah dae.
Clyde: While you two enjoyed a spa day, the rest of us were trapped underground with the threat of death. If it weren't for Greta...she saved us, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Yes, please. Yell at me during a funeral.
Bradley: I'm sure Clyde doesn't mean to yell.
Clyde: I simply wish that you would see past her simple mistake and treat her like the wonderful human being she is. She was our host for the entirety of HoBH.
Bradley: I'm sure Jocelyn doesn't think she's less than a human being.
Clyde: I'm sure I'd prefer if you didn't assume things.
Jocelyn: Look, can we argue away from the dead body?
I'd rather not spend this moment staring at her corpse while I state my case.
Devra: Can we burn her corpse now?
Marsha: Deevra!
Jocelyn: I thought we agreed to bury her.
Ted: We did, and we will. *he coughs* It is time to bury her, yes, but first we must dig the hole. Then our old friend will be forever in peace.
Devra: Anyone feel like a robot could restart and, like, dig herself free?
Ted: Then thank heavens if so!
Bradley: Will we truly be happy, though?
.
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Diane: There they are. Standing around, arguing about what to do with a rotting corpse. *she inches forward* Ah, memories.
Cameraman Joe: Memories?
Diane: Yes, Joe, memories. My mother...*sniffling* may she rest in peace...people argued about how to dispose...dispose of her body.
Cameraman Joe: And...and how did they?
Diane: *wiping a tear* Oh...such a depressing story. I couldn't possibly tell you, I'm afraid. *sniffling* I'd rather not cry on live television again.
??: Can it be? *twists his head* It is!
Cameraman Joe: Say...tomorrow night, my lover and I are coming here for a dinner with Bradley and Jocelyn...would you like to join us?
Diane: And be a fifth wheel? Darling, I would not-
Cameraman Joe: Surely you have someone to bring?
??: Diane White!
Diane: Oh, I do not- *turning around* Oh my! Can it be?
??: Yeah, it is. Hello, Diane.
Cameraman Joe: Do you know these people?
Diane: I...I do. I haven't spoke to him in forever.
Brock: It's nice to see you again, Diane. *he pauses* This is my wife, Thalia.
Thalia: Heya! You're like, super duper kawii! Not at all kowaii.
Diane: It's wonderful to meet you in person, Thalia.
Brock: We need to talk about something, I'm afraid.
----
Marsha: Moi leeves ice-cram. Moi leeves ice-cram.
Oi, cameeramen, leek! Watt moi mack ice-cram end tell freends, plass. Beet nit seccreet receepah, theet's mois. Ewe teal somewheen, ewe dah! Got eet?
*the scared cameraman nods*
Marsha: Waahtch theese!
.
.
Marsha: End tear we 'ave eet! Ice-cram ah-lah moi!
*she lowers her head* Ice-cram ah-lah moi. Non, non.
Producer: Hey, Marsha, are you okay? Is there something I can get for you?
Marsha: Moi...moi ees fahn. Marsha ees...she's fahn.
Marsha: Marsha hash ince-cram nahow.
Producer: Marsha, you've been...you've been crying. Are you okay?
Marsha: Moi...moi hash neet cleensded tears frahm frunral, ees all.
Marsha ees fahn, 'kay?
.
.
Marsha: Moi ees naht fahn, moi ees naht fahn.
Producer: I'll go and find a box of tissues and something for you to snuggle, Marsha.
Marsha: Thank you. *the producer leaves* Moi ees...naht fahn. Oh non.
Pless, ice-cram...mack moi happeh!
Irma: You want to be happy, Marsha?
Marsha: *stunned* Wha-what?
Irma: I am your...guardian angel. My name is...Esme.
I am here to support you after your terrible loss.
Marsha: Wha-who ees?
'Esme': I know you lost a dear friend and I am here to guide you forward.
Your life is not over, nor is it finished like mi-like Irma's.
Marsha: Ewe...ewe leek extactleh lahk Irma?
'Esme': Yes, you are right.
Marsha: Whay?
'Esme': You imagine your guardian angel like someone you were dear close to, and that must have been Irma. I am here, Marsha.
Producer: Are you people seeing this?
Marsha: Esme...mah garrdeen...canne weh harg?
'Esme': Of course, my dear.
Marsha: Theenk...theenk ewe fah comeen to moi.
Eet meens lot. Theenks.
'Esme': Of course, Marsha. You are a bold and creative woman, and I am proud to call you a fr-client of guardian duties.
Marsha: Arrgh there...perkies fah beeing cleenant?
'Esme': Of course, my dear. *she pauses* As a client of guardian duties, you will have me support you wherever you may be. Your wish is also my command, however only for gracious asks.
Marsha: Canne ewe...canne ewe breeng bark deed?
'Esme': Sadly, if you wish for you friend alive, I cannot.
She is alive already, I cannot revive myself.
Marsha: Waaht?
'Esme': I said, my dear, you cannot revive the dead.
Marsha: Oh non.
'Esme': I do hope that our time spent together will be enjoyable for you, Marsha. I've...I've always wished to spend more time with you.
Marsha: Mah tam wit moi?
----
Bradley: So, you're telling us that you both came to our home with different situations, and then ran into one another on our front yard - while Diane was spying on Irma's funeral - and now wish to settle an argument?
Devra: That literally sounds exactly right! You are an amazing listener, Brad!
Bradley: Just stating the facts...
Diane: That is entirely correct. However, I wouldn't say I was spying - more so, I was observing from a distance.
Thalia: That's spying.
Diane: *snickers* Anywho, I believe Brock would like to talk to me about something.
Brock: Yes, I would. It's about our...phone calls.
Devra: Your argument is about phone calls? Are you kidding?
Brock: No! I'm not kidding!
Diane: Brock is sour because he does not believe it was I who first initiated the calls.
Devra: Yeah, I don't think I can help out.
Brock: Look, it was clearly me. I was participating in High Hopes at the time, and I think I would remember when I called you.
Diane: No, why would you call me? I think I would remember a jockboy calling me.
Brock: Jockboy? I am no 'jockboy', thank you very much.
Diane: It was me who started our chain of calls, and I can indeed prove it.
Bradley: Hey, I have an idea! Greta has season one of High Hopes on DVD!
Brock: Brilliant. *he smirks* We're having a marathon.
Diane: Then we'll watch Jetset Season Two.
Thalia: I...I didn't exactly come here to watch High Hopes again...
Devra: Ooh, this'll be fun! I can watch my favourite girls again!
Team La-Stella!
Brock: Then it's settled. Reality show marathon.
Thalia: I..can't wait.
Bradley: I've always admired Season One, because that Matthew character always reminded me of myself. Also, there was a lady named Billie. She attended my high school, believe it or not.
Diane: Oh, I believe it, dear.
Bradley: What's that supposed to mean?
Devra: Oh, I love this Diane woman already.
Brock: Come on - Bradley, was it? - we need to find this Greta host.
Thalia: I'll be right there, my kawaii man.
Brock: I can't wait until we reach the finale! Our proposal was...ugh.
Diane: So beautiful, I am sure.
Bradley: Right this way, Brock. She...she's slightly busy, but she can point out the DVD easily.
Diane: And we will prove that it was I who first called.
Brock: Or we will prove you wrong. Either way.
Diane: I am not wrong.
Brock: Our proposal was beautiful, by the way.
Thalia: Did you know he, like, bought me a chair afterwards? It was golden!
Devra: Damn, that is true romance. Better force Jason to buy me a golden chair too.
Bradley: Devra! *he stands up* This way, please.
----
Greta: It's just upstairs, I'll fetch it for you.
Bradley: Thank you, Greta.
Greta: It's no problem, really. Tiger has always beamed about his time hosting High Hopes, even through the...rough patches. I'd even enjoy rewatching it.
Devra: I bet he says Season 2 is a much better improvement.
Greta: I mean, I was hosting. Of course it was superior.
Devra: Then again, Tiger would have never sent me a mystery rose.
Greta: I bet Tiger would have never sold the show to convicted criminals...
Brock: Hey, don't say that. *he pauses* Wait, convicted criminals?
.
.
Greta: Tim...
TJ: Yeah, it's me.
Greta: I was worried sick. I...I didn't want to attend Irma's funeral because I was scared you'd wake up without me and...and I'm glad you woke.
TJ: I...wait, Irma's funeral? The robot died?
Greta: That doesn't matter right now. What matters is that you're okay, and I'm here again. I promise to never run from you, Tim.
TJ: I...I am so sorry about all this.
Greta: It's not your fault, baby.
TJ: But it's not yours either, Greta.
Greta: Tim, I...I am so sorry. I shouldn't have listened to Jocelyn; I should have listened to you and stayed here. I...I missed Christmas with you.
I...I missed Christmas sex.
TJ: I was so devastated. *he winks* Think we can...
Greta: I need to find the High Hopes DVD...
TJ: After you find the DVD...
Greta: I'm all yours, baby.
TJ: Then hurry up and find the stupid DVD so we can enjoy the day, babe. I'm, like, really ready for all of this. Please...
Greta: God, you're so hot.
TJ: Please never leave me one week before Christmas again.
Greta: I would not count on it.
TJ: I nearly had to resort to spending time with Clyde and Dustin...
Greta: Well aren't you glad I'm back.
-----
Gosts end ill, moi non lahk eet. Pless, Esme, tack moi homme.
Pless, Esme.
'Esme': This will be fine. I promise.
Marsha: Ya promeese?
Marsha: Marsha ees nit scarred off 'cathomes'. Whateevah they argh.
'Esme': Well, follow me inside this building.
'Esme': You are correct, but I would disappear past those doors and you would not know where I go. You must follow me through.
Marsha: Moi s'posse soh.
'Esme': Wonderful.
Marsha: Ooh, goot eet! Ahm comeen, Esmah.
'Esme': I'll be waiting right behind these doors, won't you hurry along?
Marsha: Ahff curse!
*is spooked by sound* Ah! Wheet wash thit? Oh non, mist beh tomstarhn of sometheen. Nevah meend.
Clyde: Okay, Ted, be ready for the signal. Ted?
Ted: Yes, yes.
Marsha: Ah em comeen, Esmay. Waht for moi.
Clyde: Okay, Ted, be ready to leap out.....now!
Ted: No. *mimicing a ghost* I'm the ghost of Gerald Hineburger, come to haunt you from beyond the grave. Oooh! I'm a scary ghost!
Marsha: Ah know eet ees ewe, Teddy. Naht stoopeed.
Ted: Oh no!
Marsha: Cladd ees here too? Ware?
Moi cann nit sah heem.
Ted: Clyde? Where did he go? Are you sure he's not behind you?
Marsha: He ees naht.
Ted: That little...little man.
Marsha: He ees naht very leetall. Non.
Clyde: What she said. I'll be back home!
Confront Marsha.
Marsha: Moi canne 'ere ewe.
Ted: Ah, I apologize Marsha. Let me gather myself and I'll be over there in a moment.
.
.
Ted: This is about your so-called 'guardian', Marsha. I do not believe Esme is who you think she is, and I have evidence.
Marsha: Eveedince?
Ted: Yes, evidence that proves Esme is a fraud.
Ted: It is hard to fault, Marsha. This evidence is very reasonable.
Marsha: Speet eet out thahn. What ees at?
Ted: Irma's body is missing, Marsha. Irma is Esme.
Ted: I'm afraid it is. Where else would Irma's body have disappeared to?
Is it not a coincidence that your so-called 'guardian' appears exactly like Irma?
Marsha: Non, she wald naht lie to moi. Esme ees rahl.
Ted: If I can see her, it's Irma.
.
.
Marsha: Moi ahm raight 'ere, Esme.
Ah ees specking to geest at momeent.
'Esme': A guest? Who is it?
Marsha: He ees raight 'ere too.
Ted: I can see you, Irma. It's wonderful to see you once more.
Alive, as well. Why don't we talk?
Marsha: Sahnds god.
'Esme': Let us talk.
----
Brock: You were not first, lady. It was me. I remember it all.
Devra: I fail to see why we don't ask Greta?
Diane: She seemed to be far busy, my dear.
Thalia: And ruin the fun of re-watching?
Brock: Can't we re-watch?
Thalia: Can we at least skip all of my scenes? Pretty please?
Brock: Why would we skip your adorable face, love?
Bradley: I cannot wait to enjoy the re-watch.
Brock: Waiting to see if you admit defeat?
Diane: Press play, dear.
Brock: I hope you are ready for the truth.
.
.
.
Brock: Meh, I'll go with Kitchen, White and the Knife.
Diane White: Typical. Blame me for your problems.
Tiger: Oh hey Diane, aren't you meant to be dying on a boat?
Diane: On a boat yes, not dying.
Brock: Uh, are there any correct?
Bradley: This isn't a court room...
Diane: You did not 'call' me. I intercepted that call, mind you.
Devra: Oh I love living in this house.
Thalia: He's right. You never would have called me, Diane White.
Diane: My name, however, is not simply 'White'.
.
.
Brock: Hello?
Diane: Hello young sapling. You, young man, gave away my chance to win! You made me miss my shot, little brat!
Brock: I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're on about.
Diane: I missed my shot, you fox.
Diane White contacted you properly, not by mentioning your little last name.
Brock: My last name is not little!
Diane: I 'called' you first, Brock.
Brock: You would not have called without my first involvement!
Thalia: Go Brockie!
Devra: It's...it's like a match of table tennis...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You claim it interrupted a challenge you were competing in, and yet you had time to intercept.
Bradley: Oh snap. He got you.
Diane: I...I have a resourceful assistant, is all.
.
.
Diane: "Snap!"
.
.
Brock N. Pileautte: "Meh, I'll go with Kitchen, White and the Knife."
Diane: "Typical. Blame me for your problems."
Tigerblu11: "Oh hey Diane, aren't you meant to be dying on a boat?"
Diane: "On a boat yes, not dying."
Brock: "Uh, are there any correct?"
Diane: "Typical. Blame me for your problems."
Tigerblu11: "Oh hey Diane, aren't you meant to be dying on a boat?"
Diane: "On a boat yes, not dying."
Brock: "Uh, are there any correct?"
.
.
Jesus, keep it down. Some of us were...well, you don't need the details.
Devra: Thanks for the mental image, Greta.
Bradley: Mental image? I couldn't hear what Greta said.
Greta: I said...I said it sounded like Diane was trying to boil Brock soup.
Brock: Diane is making excuses that just won't cut it.
Jocelyn: Sounds a lot like Jamie. The baby, not the deceased.
Bradley: How is our baby making excuses?
Devra: The amount of times I've told these people to keep it down-
Bradley: You egg them on, Devra!
Diane: I still believe I called first.
.
.
Diane: "Hello young sapling. You, young man, gave away my chance to win! You made me miss my shot, little brat!"
Brock: "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're on about."
Diane: "I missed my shot, you Fox."
Greta: Oh, sorry babe. *she blows him a kiss* I forgot.
TJ: It seems everyone has calmed down a bit.
Greta: It seems so.
Brock: Does that first phone call not count?
Diane: You did not call me, dear.
Thalia: Please, someone save me from hell.
----
Eet wheel saht her, very mahch soh.
Clyde: Isn't this the cabin Bradley hid Jocelyn from us?
Marsha: Ooh, eet esh. Nevah seen eensahd befahr.
Clyde: You don't suppose I could take that offer?
Ted: You and Dustin wish to spend weekends here?
Clyde: Maybe...
This will comfort me greatly.
Ted: I am glad. You must hide this secret, however.
Irma: Of course, Ted. The others should not know.
Ah wheel stop bah occashionlee, hope so.
Irma: I hope so too, Marsha. I do apologize for lying to you.
Marsha: Weesh ewe cold 'ave told moi seener.
Irma: Ah, yes.
Irma: Go ahead, Marsha.
Marsha: Uh...'ooh let ewe free frahm cage?
Irma: Oh, what an interesting story to tell. It was not someone in the house...
.
.
Irma: I was dead. Only for three minutes, though.
Ted: I suppose I am glad I didn't bury you.
Irma: I am glad too, Ted.
Ted: What are you talking about, Marsha?
Marsha: Irma tald moi who freeded her.
Ted: And who was it?
.
.
Irma: I know, I know. *she sighs* It was because I tried to harm you-
Clyde: Yes, but you did not. I am thankful for that.
Clyde: What for? I...I didn't free you. I only wanted to keep you locked up.
Irma: No, but you opened my eyes. I realise my eyes are closed right now, but it's a metaphor.
You forced me to see the impact I can have.
Irma: I...I wish I could assist to you to visit your daughter again, Clyde. Sadly, the portal home has been destroyed.
Clyde: No, I would prefer if you try and reunite Ted and his wife.
Clyde: It does, doesn't it? *he smiles* I do wish Ted and his wife could be together.
Irma: Thank you for coming here tonight, Clyde.
Clyde: You are very welcome.
-----
Diane: I am listening, dear.
Brock: I...I wanted to apologize for forcing this debate today. I...I realise you came here for help with something else, so I apologize.
Diane: That is...that is very kind of you, Brock.
Diane: Ah...of course, Brock.
Brock: I enjoyed today, Diane White. It was super fun to rewatch all that television with such an inspirational woman at my side.
Brock: You will find someone.*he pauses* Thank you, Diane.
Diane: I sure hope I do.
Diane: Thank you for the compliment, Brock, but I prefer if you would not stare at my lower back. *she pauses* And...I do not know.
Brock: I promise...we will find someone for you, Diane.
Brock: Yes, love. *he smiles* I will help you find someone, and that is my promise. A woman like you...she deserves happiness.
Diane: *grinning* Thank you, Brock. I must be off, however.
See you next time.
Diane: Your love is calling for you, Brock. *she faces the road*
Do not forget to call me first.
Brock: Why don't you call me first instead?
You seem to love the honour.
*Diane leaves*
Brock: I...I don't know. I don't think so.
Thalia: Good! I don't like when things go wrong.
Brock: I know, and I'm sorry. *he smiles* Come here.
Thalia: Oh, Brockie!
Brock: Shush...don't speak.
Thalia: Right, sooooorrrry!
----
*The Night Before*
Irma: *yawning* Is...is...is someone there in the darkness?
Come...come into the light.
???: There's absolutely no light in here.
Irma: You know...you know what I mean, friend.
???: Hello, Irma.
Irma: I am surprised to see you here. I do...do not suppose you have come to free me?
???: It's time you embraced the world, my dear. We cannot hold you in here any longer.
Irma: Thank...thank you.
*Irma cackles maliciously*
???: I'll see you in the morning, Irma.
Irma: Mwhahahahah. 
Marsha: Ewe 'ill keednip Clahd 'ere, then fack death-
Clyde: Proceeded by your eventual freedom.
I do hope you forgive us for locking you in the cage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Credits:
Yannik,
for TJ (aka Timothy Jacob)
Twiddle,
for Irma
Lo,
for Devra
Turner,
for Ted
Vul, for Marsha and Brock
Vul, for Marsha and Brock
Penguin,
for Clyde
Alleen,
for Bradley
The
Singing Simmer, for Jocelyn
Bean, for Thalia
Special thanks to Vul for hosting Jetset, which is featured in this episode through several of the Diane scenes in the marathon of reality televison.
I hope you enjoyed the return of Brock and Thalia, and of course, my favourite five-star chef, Diane White. It's been a blast bringing back characters who appeared in Season One of High Hopes, and I know Diane's arrival has been long-awaited.
What did you think about the reveal of who helped Irma escape?
Is that who you believed was responsible?
See you all next time,
Tiger....
Or will you need to wait until next time?
.
.
.
---------------------------------------------------
Hey, did you want to go out to see a movie instead?
??: Uh, I think Outside the Target is on tonight!
???: Hey, really? Let me check...
I mean, true, I hosted Season One and I'm an executive producer for this show, but I don't spend time on set as I did in Season One.
??: Yeah, I understand.
Tiger: Hey, come in here! Look who it is!
??: Uh...Tiger? You feeling okay?
??: Wait...you didn't know those two would appear?
Tiger: They weren't scheduled guests, no!
Tiger: God, I miss hosting...the thrill of waking up to the grins of competitive contestants...the thought of crafting challenges...everything about it!
Marina: Sounds like you should host again, Tiger.
Tiger: I...I couldn't.
Marina: You couldn't, or you won't?
Tiger: I won't. *he pauses* Have you heard the latest news about season three?
Marina: You know, Greta Francis is a wonderful human being-
Tiger: Not that! *he sighs* All networks are refusing to broadcast it.
There will be no Season Three.
*In no way does this mean Season Three is cancelled.
It is not.
*In no way does this mean Season Three is cancelled.
It is not.
